The ASH Files

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Episode 4: "Ernie - a regal bird"

Ernest clears his beak...

I would like to introduce myself. My name is Ernest, although these humans call me Ernie. I am in fact a bird of Royal decent, a pheasant. I used to live at a local grand estate.

One evening I was out flying around when one of these human steel carriages hit me. They didn’t even stop to check if I was ok. A man in another of these carriages (I think they call them cars) came along and he put a towel around me and took me in his car to this place. This man turned out to be the one they call Uncle.

They checked my wound and gave me a place to stay where I would be safe and warm. I got nice food and a big bowl of water. The thing is, initially they put me in what they call a crate, but it was pink. Me, a Royal bird, in a pink box, how degrading. What would my friends say if they saw me? Thankfully I am now in bigger quarters, and have a good view of the whole room.

The awful part is, I have to share the room with kittens, puppies, cats, dogs and humans. They are noisy things, the lot of them. There is one dog in the room, she is short and looks like someone stretched her. Her name is Flossy, she is a temperamental ole girl. She likes to give out to everyone and claims that she is in charge. The tall one they call Janseen claims different. He says he is, but does not argue with her too much, as he says it’s not worth the trouble.

Helena is the human who feeds me (and the one who is the human boss). I hiss at her, but in truth I quite like her. I think I should let you all know that I get regular exercise daily. I pace around my lodgings making as much noise as I can. It drives the humans mad, and my neighbors the kittens keep trying to look in at me. All they do all day long is eat, play and sleep. They have tried to get their little paws in at me many times, the silly little things don’t even know I’m a pheasant.

One complaint I do have is, the humans still don’t understand that I like my newspapers shredded. It’s so much easier to make a comfy bed that way, and far less work for me. Also they think it funny when I stand in the water bowl. Don’t they know that I need to have the odd paddle to keep my toes nice and clean and soft?

I have been out flying around the room a few times. They don’t like me doing that too much, as I knock things over when I land on the shelves. I’ve put on a bit of weight since I came here. My tale feathers are beginning to grow back now, so I guess it won’t be too long until I will be going back home to find my family.

If you happen to get knocked down by one of the steel carriages, I honestly cannot recommend a better place to recover. The guys here have as it were, my royal seal of approval.

Happy flying,

Ernest.