The ASH Files

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Episode 4: "Dutch and the fox..."

Can I have a christmas tree please?...

Because it is nearly Christmas Helena asked me to write to you all. This is going to be my 14th Christmas at Ash. Of course, they didn’t always call it Ash, but it always was Ash, if you know what I mean.

These days I like lying on a blanket in front of the cooker, its not a bad place to be for an old girl you will agree. It was only yesterday that I heard Remi tell Miss Moneypenny and Bob the Builder (I think they are an item ?, but I might be wrong?) how I used to chase rabbits and was as fast as the fastest of those hoppity things. Now I didn’t harm them you know, I just wanted to make a point. Ah yes, I remember it well, I also remember going to the field with Remi and Helen. In this lovely open green space they would go and plant vegetables – nice for them, but quite boring for me. Thus it was that after a while I would try and find something to amuse myself.

One day I discovered a hole in the ditch and I could smell a peculiar beast that was surely hiding in it. Naturally, I decided to investigate. It wasn’t long of course before I had totally disappeared into the hole. Remi said it was a fox – honestly, I don’t care what it’s name was – all I know is I should have brought a peace offering, because before I knew it, the brute had taken a piece out of my nose !

Tell me, have you ever tried to jump back and up, all at the same time while you are snugly stuck in a well-fitted tube of a hole with a fox explaining that he doesn’t allow visitors that arrive uninvited? I’m afraid I yelped and that rather hurt my pride and my reputation. I stayed well clear of them ever since.

When Eva brought home a baby fox a few years ago I wasn’t in the least impressed. She called him Forrest and everybody was fussing over him. I was watching him grow and was getting rather nervous in case one of the foxes that lives on the hill here might fill him in on my encounter and then he might take advantage of that knowledge. As it was, he was such a cheeky little monkey that he had to be moved to a more suitable sanctuary by the time he was 5-6 months old.

Among Forrests sins was his habit to bite or nip people in their calves. Forrest lived in the bathroom part of the day and it were the men in particular who were suffering; it did little for their aiming abilities and more and more often they opted for the local pub or a stroll around the paddock, where they would admire the trees, I wonder why?

One day this “nose biter in waiting” went too far. Remi had been out to buy the groceries and Forrest managed to grab a whole bag and no way did he want to give any of it back to Helena. Wow, did she get in a state! … he emptied a bag of sugar on to the kitchen floor and then poured a tub of cream over that mess and danced in it, he was covered and looked a bit like the Christmas Cake Helena is never baking us. He also had a certain fondness for the fridge, for whenever anyone opened it, Forrest was in it like a shot. The boy had an evil sense of humour, but I must say he livened things up, which is always nice.

It is with mixed feelings that I am awaiting the newest addition to this place. It has been announced that tomorrow Remi is going to collect a Vietnamese Potbelly pig, or should I say Boar. I really do hope he is not going to live in the bathroom or anywhere in the house for that matter. I have never seen one of these “pot pigs” in my life, neither have they and they are trying to picture what he will look like, how big he will be and how well behaved, somehow I think they shouldn’t hold their breath.

Helena has decided that there is no space for a Christmas tree this year – can you please try and make her change her mind? I really love a tree and I have been looking forward to it for months now … please ring her, email her – just do whatever it takes to make her change her mind. I know we can fit in a small tree if we try hard enough, it could stand on top of Wammes’s crate or even on the dining room table. I know that might give them a bit of a dilemma when it comes to Christmas dinner, but they should be willing to make a bit of a sacrifice to make an old girl happy, don’t you think?

Now I have been chosen to wish you all A Pleasant and Happy Christmas and All Things Good for the Year to come, so here we go; on behalf of us all: Enjoy, have fun and be careful if you have to drive.