The ASH Files

Click here to go back to the ASH Files index page...

Episode 7: " Sharpei Wammes"

Wampie for short....

Hello everyone - firstly I have some sad news I would like to share with you. Our dear friend "old Flossy", the feisty Basset hound who would inspect everyone as they came to the sanctuary passed away one Sunday morning a few weeks ago. She was one tough cookie, all of you that knew her will understand our loss.

For those of you that don't know what a Shar-Pei is I will explain the situation. Naturally handsome, sporting blue tongue and elegant wrinkles. Yes, we are the regal "Chinese wrinkle dog" that they often use on picture postcards, often implying that wrinkles are cute when you are as old as the person whose birthday it is. (dare I mention that Helena got 3 this year?). I have a meaty muzzle and a short coat. To make it difficult to photograph, my coat is a devious dark brown. I also have fun loving little black eyes.

I live in the house, sorry, but I don't fancy the great outdoors, I like my comfort, although I do go outside a few times a day, playing with some of the smallies. My great love is Molly, the little black lurcher girl. They say she is feral - I prefer to call it eccentric .there are more ways then one to look at things, aren't there?

Not everyone notices me here - once back in my crate I make myself nearly invisible. There is however little that goes unnoticed, I listen and I remember. Recently I have moved kennel, I now have a room with a view and more space. Its ok, the only drawback is that I can be seen now . making it more difficult for me to surprise people !

Remi is happy for me, he thinks the world of me and doesn't mind me licking his face when sitting on his lap. Well if that keeps him happy, I'm happy. The cats have some misgivings as I love to bark at them, but it is entirely my pleasure..

For a few months Ernie the Pheasant lived right opposite me on the dining-room table. Ernie was in a road traffic accident and apparently a car took off his tail and that part of his autonomy that the tail adhered to. He is the only pheasant sitting on a dining-room table for months that lived to tell the tail, forgive the pun.

Which reminds me of when he came in: 'twas Uncle who brought him in, for effect he said: "Look what Uncle's picked up on the road...a beautiful bird". Now I don't know whose feathers he wanted to ruffle, but it was Miss Moneypenny who retorted: "Yes, Uncle, that is exceptional but he is male, I hope you realise that". frankly, I don't think he did, called the poor sod a Peacock and believed it too, well, you know your birds or you don't, is what I say. (If you are still confused, let it be known that the first "Bird" uncle picked up in months... was male !!!!)

Sometimes I miscalculate, at least once it got me into trouble. This is what happened. I love to scare the living daylight out of people and cats and sometimes dogs too. I keep still, stealthily blend into the background and then all of a sudden I explode like Chinese fireworks; into an explosion of noise that equals sixty thousand Manchester United supporters when Van Nistelrooy scores a goal ... weeehoooooo !!!! Of course I mean no harm, it is just a bit of innocent fun. I do so love to see people jump back , holding on to themselves and each other for support. Most creatures can see the funny side, but then of course some just have no sense of humour. And this is what brought me into Ash. A large canine chap took my "greeting" up the wrong way, thought I was aggressive and was looking for a fight. He got it wrong, I was not looking for a brawl, but as you already guessed, that's what I ended up getting. You know I'm not really very good when things get physical. To cut a long story short, once the stitches were out I healed up nicely and the honourable scars give me a more interesting look. It taught me to make sure that I'm safely locked in before I indulge myself..

I would love to tell you some of the juicier stories/situations I have been in, but I have been cautioned! . "refrain from four letter words wammace, no insinuations that might get anyone in trouble with anybody else, make sure nothing hits the fan.."

Everything I say has to be politically correct. You know how boring that is can be by watching and listening to television every day. The only politicians that dare say insulting, nasty things are ministers of the opposition parties commenting on their colleagues who are in Government; they then of course enthusiastically return the favour when the tables are turned. If it were up to me this episode might get the epitaph "p.g". I suppose I could always write my Memoirs, "Wammes Spills the Beans and Reveals All." or "Wammes, Off the Record.".

Is there anyone out there who can tell me how to go about it without getting caught? if so, talk to me!

affectionately,

Wammes.